Real or not real?
by Gar-chan
Summary: Katniss and Peeta trying to get through the aftermath of Mockingjay. Contains spoilers. Rated T at the moment but rating may go up with possible lemon chapters.
1. A New Beginning

**Hello everyone. This is a fic I've started, but I've hit a bit of writers block with it. If you could help me, please leave your thoughts in the reviews section. Thanks.**

**Real…. or not real?**

I don't know what become of my former self. I don't quite remember where she ended up. Somewhere between the nightmares of our lost comrades from the Games, and losing Prim, I managed to lose track. I'm starting to not even know who I am anymore. The only one able to keep me within the realm of reality is not faring too well himself. I wish that I could take back every horrible thing the Capitol ever did to its people, but sadly, I cannot. I just don't have that kind of power. Even Peeta would have a hard time convincing people that the horrible chain of events didn't happen. Even with his wondrous way with words. The Capitol broke him, plain and simple. I don't know if he'll ever quite return to normal. But, at least he's getting better, right? If not for him, even in his maniacal state, I would be lost in a cesspool of misery. It's only his voice that seems to bring me out of the pits of despair nowadays. Especially with Prim gone. Peeta refers to the times I just stare into space as "stasis", when not even his voice permeates my mind, but I can tell that it scares him.

He's not without his own wounds, though, of course. He still has his little episodes, where he has to clutch the furniture and let the "shiny" memories pass. He's learned to disregard the memories that are deemed as "shiny" but, what they did was really make his mind believe in them, so he has to remind himself each and every time that they appear that its been tampered with. It's really taught him to live in the "here" and "now", where he has to completely disregard his past for fear that something has been tampered with by the capitol. He's basically a blank slate, except that he still gets those shiny memories to scare the daylights out of him.

I never want children. Not the way I am now. Peeta told the world I was pregnant with his child, but that was just for the Games' sake. Coin made the decision to tell everyone I had miscarried. Even though the child never existed, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness at the thought that I had lost a child, even though it wasn't real. But, I simply cannot bring forth another life into this horrible world. Even though everything is said and done, I still don't trust it.

I don't want to bring a child into this broken world. A world where there would be no family. My dad and sister are dead, my mother I only hear from by phone every once in awhile. Peeta lost his entire family. I think that's why he wants children so badly. To somehow make up for that loss of family. His was such a large family, I can't say I blame him.

But, things are just not right right now, and we have both been broken. Maybe once we and the world have healed a bit, I might consider it. But, Peeta still gets violent from time to time as he's learning to sift through the shiny memories. And, I just stare into nothingness when times are really bad. I miss Prim. I still expect to see her joyful face bounding up the steps to what used to be our home. But she doesn't. She can't. She's dead.

Gale saw to that.

The sound of his name used to bring happiness in my life, but now I can't even bare to think about him let along let his name pass through my lips. Peeta knows not to talk about him in my presence. Even though Gale didn't actually kill Prim, it was his idea that Coin used to kill my sister.

I hear a knock on my door. "Come in." I call. He should know he doesn't need to knock. He's the only other person besides Greasy Sae who comes to see me. She's on the Capitol's payroll, but I think she still wishes to cheer me up. I've been so out of things for the last few months. Peeta only returned a short time ago.

"How are you feeling?" He asks. His golden hair looks so beautiful in this light. His long eye lashes billowing in the wind. It should be against the law for a man to have such long eye lashes. But, he still pulls it off.

"I'm fine." I reply. I still don't trust him 100%. I trust the old Peeta. Though, he's definitely becoming more and more his old self every day. I love him. So much. Even still, there's a lot of sorting out, we both need to do within ourselves. To think, if things had been fine after the first Hunger Games we were in, we may have become a normal couple, but fate didn't see fit to allow us to have each other easily.

"You don't look fine. You look like you're deep in thought. I told you to relax. Things will start to fall into place now that we can get our lives back to "normal". The bakery is almost back into one piece again." He said. He had been working every day with some of the men who returned to 12 to get the bakery up and functional again. When they started it wasn't much more than a pile of rubble, but now it's almost finished. "We're just waiting on a new oven to arrive from the Capitol."

"That will be good. Then you will have a job again." I say. I don't know where to go from here though. Women from the Seam don't really work. So, I wasn't given a skill other than hunting and gathering.

"I was hoping you would help me with the bakery." He said, as if reading my mind.

"I don't know the first thing about baking." I reply. I really don't. The only meals I ever cooked were very simple. I never really had the opportunity to "bake" as we didn't have an oven.

"You'll learn. You're the smartest person I know." He says. He almost seems like his old self.

But then I see him grasp the back of the chair I'm sitting in. He's having one of his episodes. It almost feels as if the back of the chair will break off any second.

"Peeta." I get up and go to him, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind. "It's okay." I state. Slowly, over the course of a few minutes, his grip on the chair recedes. I turn him to face me. "You'll be alright." I hug him dearly.

Peeta starts to cry.

"I love you." He says. I just hold him closer. Trying to be of what use I can be to him.

"I love you, too." I say. And, what the great thing about it is. I mean it. And, it's not just being said for the Capitol's sake.

"I need to lie down." Peeta says. I'm sure he is very tired after his episode. It must take a lot out of him. Getting his blood boiled and the strain it must have on his mind.

I move out of the way and offer him my chair.

"Can we go to sleep?" he says.

This is new. He hasn't slept at my house since before the Quarter Quell. We had some nice moments together where he would just lay there with me and ease my nightmares. Some nights, I didn't even have them with him there. It's funny. We really do need each other in order to get better. It's almost like a destiny, if you believe in such a thing.

I lead him upstairs to the bedroom and let him lie on my bed. I had all the other rooms cleared out of furniture, I didn't want anything to remind me that my mother and Prim ever lived here.

He lies down without any reservations. It's also funny that even though all he's been through, he still remembers what side of the bed that I like. I hop into the bed with him, making sure to open the window first, so he gets a good night's sleep.

I feel the comfort of his arms wrap around me. He allows me to use his warm, strong arm as a pillow, as usual. It's only when we're like this together that I truly feel at ease. It's been a long time since we've been in bed together, but I can't say I'm not enjoying every moment.

"Are you comfortable?" he asks. He's always thinking about me, even though what he's been through.

"I'm happy." I state.

"Katniss…" he says.

"Yes?" I reply.

"You love me. Real, or not real?" he asks.

"Real." I reply. It's the only reply I will ever have when he asks me that. Even though I was so uncertain in the past. I could never be more certain and aware of my feelings for him as I am now.

He relaxes into the pillows and comfort of the bed and closes his eyes. But, I know he's not asleep. "This is so nice." he says.

"What is?" I ask.

"Being here with you like this. It truly feels like I'm home when I'm with you." he says. I know he means every word. I guess I don't need to fear him. He would never intentionally hurt me the way he is now. So long as he doesn't have a relapse, I'm happy.

"Please don't leave me again." I plead. I needed to say this. I couldn't bare for us to be apart like before. Whenever we're apart, he gets hurt. Because of me, he's almost lost his life multiple times.

"I never will." he cuddles me close. Pushing my body into his, like we're one person.

As long as we have each other, we have nothing to fear.

**Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please review.**


	2. A Peaceful Time

**Thank you for your interest in this Chapter. I seem to have cleared up my writers block thanks to my reviewers. I thank you kindly! Hopefully, this will become a great fanfic. It's my first Hunger Games fanfic but I have been writing various types of fanfics for over 10 years now. Please continue to enjoy my work. I put all of my heart and soul into producing this for you! ~Gar-chan**

**Chapter 2**

**A Peaceful Time**

I woke up completely rested for the first time in ages. I felt so refreshed, that I could even manage to go hunting today. I hadn't been in months, so, I don't want to get too out of practise.

When I get to the meadow, I gape in awe at the missing electric fence. It's finally been pulled down. We're free from the oppression that the fence brings us. I head to the spot that used to belong to Gale and I. Now, It's just a bad memory. It is the best spot to catch game from, though. So, I try to let my rising anger over the death of my sister subside.

I see a dear, and take aim. Thankful that for once, I don't have to feel scared of what will happen to me if I manage to kill it.

"Katniss." I hear behind me. I watch the dear trail off, running for its life.

I turn to face Peeta. "What did you do that for?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You left without a word this morning."

"You were sleeping."

"Was I?" he chuckled. I could've slapped the smirk right off his face, but I didn't.

"You should know not to disturb a hunter while she's trying to put food on the table." I tighten the string on my bow.

"We have more than enough money to buy the freshest food from the markets." I couldn't argue with him there. We had become very wealthy overnight with our winnings from the 74th annual Hunger Games.

"That money isn't going to last us the rest of our lives." I look at him solemnly.

"Well, it's not going to run out tomorrow, either."

We walk back to the meadow, and I sit down and unfold my lunch. Goats cheese from Lady. She returned after everything cooled down around here. I was happy to see her when she arrived at my door, grazing in the front yard. "Do you want some?" I hand some to Peeta.

"Thanks." he takes it from me with a smile.

We just sit and stare up at the clouds after that. I haven't known peace like this in all my days. Even when my father was around, we never had things as good as we have them now. Even the poorest of District 12 now seem relaxed and have some meat on them.

"Look at that one." I point to a cloud that has the shape of a little bird. I think back to the Mockingjay that lead us all into freedom.

"How about that one?" he points to a cloud that looks like a rabbit. Rabbits. Nothing more than a source of food back then, now we see them everywhere, breeding and looking at us with their cute little eyes and fluffy tails. Prim would have loved this era. This era was built for people like her.

A single tear streams down my face. I quickly wipe it away, so as that Peeta would not see. But, I was not swift enough.

"It'll be okay." he pulls me close to him. "Let's head back."

"Alright. But, I haven't caught anything." I wipe my eyes and get up.

"That's okay. We should still have some of that delicious badger meat you caught for us the other day." he smiled at me in one of those smiles that always melts my heart. When he looks at me like that, I feel like I could believe in anything he says. He acknowledges my need to provide for my family, and for that, I am grateful.

When we arrived back at the house, it took just about all my energy just to get to my chair and sit down. I've just been so out of it since we got back from the Capitol. I really hope that President Paylor decides to change the name of the Capitol. The name just leaves a bad taste in my mouth after all that's happened.

Peeta heads to the kitchen and starts whipping up something with that badger meat. I wonder what he's making. He's so great at everything he does, I'm sure it will taste great. I want to hang on to my consciousness, but it seems my sleep deprivation from crying the last couple months, has finally caught up with me, and I fall into a peaceful slumber for the first time since Peeta returned to District 12.

I feel my body getting shook lightly. "Katniss." I go in and out of consciousness. "Katniss." I hear it repeated.

I slowly open my eyes. Looking up to Peeta. My stomach growls and I adjust my position on the chair. Yawning and stretching my arms up over my head.

"You need to eat." he holds his hand out to me so that I can get up. I take it.

"Thanks." I stand up and head towards the table.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"A little bit. Thanks."

"I made a badger stew, I hope you like it." he pulls out a chair for me and I sit down, taking my fork in my hands.

"It smells good." I take a good strong whiff.

He smiles at me and takes his seat.

"How was your day?"

"It was fun to hunt again. But, I didn't end up catching anything today as you know."

"Tomorrow will be better." he reassures me, as if edging me on to continue my hunting activities. "It's good to see you getting out and about again."

"Maybe tomorrow we can do some work on the Bakery?" he cringes at my question.

"Maybe." he starts playing with his food.

"We need to do something about it soon, we can't just leave it a lump of rubble for ever."

"Yeah. I know." he pauses, then continues. "It's just, I have a lot of memories in that place, and It's hard for me to do anything about it. I don't know how to explain it."

"I understand. That's how I felt about my house in the Seam." But, I let that house go. They've constructed something else there. I think they turned it into some kind of shop. I just have my home in Victor's Village now.

I get up and walk over to Peeta, placing a hand on his back. "I'm sorry about your losses." A tear escapes my eye, and he wipes it away.

"Please don't cry for me. I just need to be stronger, for the both of us." he takes me into his arms and rocks me back and forth. I can't say I've experienced a more perfect moment since the beach during the Quarter Quell. As strong as I usually try to be, lately I've just had to put all my hopes onto Peeta's shoulders. I've had to rely on him wholeheartedly.

We're both recovering. He's been doing great since everything at the Capitol ended. He stayed in the Capitol to see a very experienced Psychologist who helped him through his flashbacks. He's not 100% but definitely as close as he's ever going to get. He doesn't get bloodlust for me anymore, he just gets confusing "shiny" memories.

"You've been through too much. I'm the one who should be carrying you on my shoulders."

"I love you." he holds me close. I can see the tears welling up in my eyes. I definitely will never deserve him.

"I love you, too." I pull him up out of his chair.

We go up to bed, where we both have a wondrous, peaceful night sleep. Free of flashbacks and nightmares. I start to see a trend, and wonder if Peeta really does scare away my nightmares.

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	3. The Bakery

**Thanks for continuing to read my fanfic. I'm sorry It's taken a bit longer than I'd anticipated to update. I've been having trouble deciding in which direction I'd like this story to go. So, I did an outline all the way to Chapter 8. Should have regular updates now that I know what's going to happen before it happens! As always I appreciate your favourites and alerts, but I really need some feedback if you would be so kind. ~Gar-chan**

I wake up to an empty bed the next day. It was a lonely feeling, but at the same time, I knew everything was going to be okay. It's been a relief to be able to feel this way after so much blood and turmoil over the last few years. I can smell some baked goodies down stairs and start to make my journey there.

I get down the stairs and see the table set for one. All that is on the table is a place setting, a plate of cheese buns, and a note. The note is from Peeta, of course. Something like this had Peeta's name written all over it.

The note read as follows:

_**Katniss,**_

_**I've taken your advice and decided that moping isn't going to bring them back.**_

_**Enjoy the buns.**_

_**With Love,**_

_**Peeta**_

I sat and ate the buns in silence, contemplating what to do with my day. There wasn't much to do around here lately. The winnings we got from the Games left me without an actual need to hunt. I could go to the shop and buy whatever I wanted. I guess this is why Haymitch drinks. There's simply nothing else to do.

I decide to get my bow and arrows and take a trip into the forest for a hunting session anyway. I could get some game for Sae, I know how much she loves those wild dogs for her famous stew. Maybe a rabbit or two would satisfy her as well. She seems to be the only one around here lately that actually needs me.

I hunt. Peeta bakes. Haymitch drinks. I giggle at the revelation. Not much has changed at all.

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I decide to go see how Peeta is doing before I head into the woods. I had been worrying about him, it's a big step for him to be clearing up the Bakery. So, I head down the road to the merchant section of town, and enter the Bakery, or what's left of it.

"Peeta?" I call through the rubble.

"Over here!" he yells to me.

I climb over what I expect used to be the main oven and head to the what would have been the back of the Bakery. I assume this was the living quarters and Peeta's house. I'd never been in this part of the bakery before.

I finally find him after what seemed like a lengthy search. He's shifting things around obviously trying to clear space.

"Is it even safe to be in here?" I ask.

"It should be okay. All the main support beams survived by the looks of it." he looks down. "This used to be my bedroom."

I'm not sure what to say, so I don't say anything. I just give him a look of condolence. I don't know if there's anything that I could say that would make him feel any better. "I just wanted to let you know I'd be going to hunt in the woods. I don't know when I'll be back tonight. Hopefully well before dark." I blurt out. "Sorry to get in your way during such a difficult time." I add.

The look he gives me then turns from sad to almost raging mad.

"You're sorry? What do you mean?" he exclaims. I step back in fear. Is he having a flashback? What should I do in this instance?

He notices my fear, and decides to advance on me, backing me into a corner. Pushing me up hard against the wall. I start to fear for my life, but then, suddenly, his features start to become softer. "I'm sorry." he states.

He pulls me to him with one arm around my neck. "I'm sorry." he repeats. I put my head onto his chest. "I'm sorry." I say. "I didn't mean to make this about me." I hold him close. Something I don't think I've ever done without it being for someone else's benefit. This time, I was holding him because I wanted to. Because I felt it was the right thing to do. Because I…. love him. I love this boy with the bread and I was going to make certain that he was safe from now on. No matter what. No matter how many flashbacks he has and how scared he makes me at time. It's the least that I owe him for all he's done for me. How much he cared for me and loved me when I was nothing but selfish.

Then the words I never thought I would say, without prompting, came out. The three words that, finally, were coming from my heart. The three words I knew I would be saying over and over from this time forward.

"I love you."

He looks at me with the softest look I've ever seen on him, and simply answers with, "I love you, too."

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Moments passed, but it felt like an eternity, as if time stopped just for us. We just stood there, embracing each other, and enjoying every moment of it. All alone, in that broken down building, that so much resembled our lives. Broken down.

I was the first to speak after the long silence. "Are you going to be okay on your own? I can help you with this place if you want me to."

"It's okay. I think I'll manage on my own. You go on and find us something for dinner." he smiled at me with one of those heart-melting smiles that he so often gave me. "I enjoy our food more when its something we caught and made ourselves. It almost starts to feel like normalcy is returning to our lives."

"I know what you mean. But, this trip was actually for Sae. I can get a few extra rabbits if you want, though."

"That would be good, if you can." he thinks a moment. "I'll make some more buns for you and get some of the vegetables out of the garden. We'll make a big feast out of it."

"Sounds great." I say, and leave him to his troubles. He'll get through it, he's the strongest person I know. I just hope his strength will be enough. Sometimes, it takes more than strength, to get through these sorts of circumstances. I know that better than anyone. The hardships we've faced… I don't wish them on anyone.

I head in the direction of the woods, once again on my journey. Looking forward to some time with nature, not so much looking forward to time with my memories.

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**Thanks for reading. Please review!**


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